Tubal Removal

Why I made the hard decision to get my tubes removed, what a salpingectomy is, and why it was crucial for me to consider not having anymore kids.

Hello everyone, once again. I’ve decided to go over a sort of touchy subject, as it’s hard to acknowledge the fact that I will never be able to become pregnant again. At first, I was 100% excited to never be pregnant again (I hate being pregnant for an abundance of reasons, one being the morning sickness I got both times and another is the low confidence I get as I become bigger.) but once it actually happens, and you really cannot, it kind of sucks. Especially only being 21 (and I always dreamed of having tons of children). So why did I make this decision?

Well, for starters, I’ll give you a little backstory of my pregnancies. My first son, Caspian, was born when I was just 18. It was a week before I turned 17 that I found out I was in fact, pregnant. At first, I was TERRIFIED. But the idea of a child grew on me and I was overcome with love and happiness and excitement. My pregnancy was healthy for a while. Despite the morning sickness all day and night up until the day I gave birth at 37 weeks pregnant. Around 35 weeks, I fell out of bed one night, and hit the dresser. It wasn’t that hard, honestly and I mostly just cried because I was startled and it scared me. The day after my mom and I went out and did a maternity photo shoot in my Star Wars Padme cosplay. But when we were there, I was experiencing cramps in which I just assumed was braxton hicks contractions. But as they progressed, I finally decided it’d be best to go to the ER just to see what’s up. So we go, and there they see that I am in fact having real contractions, which were causing Caspian’s heart rate and oxygen to dip pretty drastically every time. They monitored me in the hospital for a week, before deciding to let me go home and informed me I was to come to the triage every 2 days to get monitored for an hour. My first time going back, they admitted me once more, and also did a scan, noticing that there was a placental abruption. I was freaked out. But they wanted me to wait until I was exactly 37 weeks, so there I waited yet another week until they finally induced me at midnight and I gave birth around 7:40 am to my little bean. They proceeded to show me the abruption, while announcing how much larger it was than they had thought, so it was good he came out. But other than that, we had no other issues and Caspian is about to be 3 with still no health problems.

Now, my second pregnancy, as many of you know, took a completely different and drastic turn. Those months of being pregnant were the most terrifying time in my entire life. So let’s start from the beginning. I found out I was pregnant with my second son, Fox, in August of 2019, at 20 years old. And honestly, my fiancé (husband now) and I were actually pretty excited. Him being a first time dad, especially added to the thrill. But toward the end of August, a scary situation happened that I will never forget. One morning, I woke up, and went to the bathroom, only to notice blood. And I mean a SHIT TON of blood. Dark red blood. And I immediately began sobbing, thinking I was having a miscarriage. Now one thing many people do not know, is I had had a miscarriage prior to this very early on that really messed me up emotionally. So right away, Chris and I drove to the ER, frantically but trying to keep positive. We arrived, and at the time I was I think maybe 3 or so weeks pregnant? I can’t totally recall. So they get me into a room and take me to go get an ultrasound. After, I’m escorted back to the room where my then fiancé was and we waited. And waited. And waited. Until finally a doctor came in and informed me that there seemed to be a sack of something in there (I’m so sorry, I forgot what it was called but it was a ball of blood) and couldn’t detect any sign of a baby. So they called it a “threatened miscarriage”, and our hearts just broke. They had given me a number to an OB who wanted to see me in the office in exactly one week and wanted me to get bloodwork done in 3 days because the bloodwork could determine if my pregnancy was progressing. So after three terrible, nerve wrecking, heartbreaking days, I went to get my blood drawn and then 4 more days passed and I went to the OB’s office. I was immediately taken into the ultrasound room after meeting him, and as they scanned around for a little while, there it was. A little baby bean just chilling next to that gross weird sack of blood. It was the biggest weight lifted off my chest to see I was in fact not having a miscarriage. So from then, I continued to have routine checkups.

Now, fast forward to about a week into November. I was 21 weeks pregnant having my mid pregnancy scan, when the room was complete silence. I was alone, as Chris had to work, and I had been used to going to appointments by myself from my first pregnancy. After an hour of the ultrasound, the tech left the room, and came back insisting I go wait in my OB’s office so he can speak with me. And that’s when I knew there was something wrong. I never did that with Caspian and the vibe just felt- off. So I wait. And wait. And wait. For about 45 minutes as my OB had actually been performing a surgery. Once he was done, he came in and sat down. (My OB just an fyi is the most amazing man and I still to this day text him with questions I have and every time I see him, he always asks for pictures of Fox).he looked at me and informed me that my son had multiple anomalies, one including fluid on his brain (hydrocephalus), and what seemed to be some problems with his abdomen. He informed me as much as he could about Hydrocephalus, but this was now a more specialty doctors area, so he referred me to an MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor). I had to wait until after Thanksgiving so for a few weeks I wondered so many things that just stressed me out majorly. I socially distanced myself (which we all seem to have to do now lol) from pretty much everyone except Chris. I was going through a lot of depression, more than I had before pregnancy, and I just felt lost and scared. So I go to my MFM doctor and they do a like, 2 or something hour ultrasound, where they find and confirm hydrocephalus, but also duodenal atresia (his intestines weren’t connected) and some tiny holes in his heart (you may read about these things and what they mean on my other blog posts). So from then on I had bi-weekly appointments with my MFM to do ultrasounds and such. Eventually, they find that Fox’s thumbs are adducted (meaning they go in toward his palms, which is something he still struggles with and will probably need splints down the road). Now adducted thumbs is an indication of X-Linked hydrocephalus (L1cam). This meaning, he got this from ME. Basically, x-linked is only in boys, and mothers/girls can be carriers of it. They asked if Cas had any disabilities and were shocked to find out no. But in short, it’s a 50/50 chance of any future sons I may have to have hydrocephalus as well. All the other issues this poor kids suffered from, well, we have NO IDEA where they came from!

Well, then a month after Chris and I’s wedding in December, Fox was born on January 27, 2020. But NOT because of him. Sadly, because my body was failing. I had to go in for Non-stress tests every week, and the first one I went to they noticed my blood pressure was SKYROCKETING. This was on Friday January 24, and I was only 28 and like 5 or 6 days pregnant. My ankles were swollen to shit, and they grew concerned that I may have developed preeclampsia. So here I was, being admitted where they planned to keep me until 34 weeks where they would take him out then (because oh, forgot to mention, two weeks prior they saw that my umbilical cord wasn’t transferring nutrients to him anymore and his abdomen wasn’t growing but his head still was and I had a LARGE amount of amniotic fluid build up in my body, hence why my 4’10, average of 115 lb ass was now weighing 157). So I’m admitted into the special care unit and then move to labor and delivery, as they gave me high blood pressure meds that calmed my body down. Well then, Sunday comes around and I wake up around 1 am Monday to my nurse holding the monitor me and looking scared. I asked what’s happening, and my throat is rattling like crazy. Other nurses begin to rush in where they inform me that Fox’s levels are dipping because my body wasn’t doing well. Remind you, I was on percocets and loads of other medicines so I have a very hazy memory of most of this. But then they also discover fluid had developed on my lungs. And my preeclampsia basically could have killed me. So I call Chris, who’s at home with out animals and he rushes to the hospital, where they take me back into OR and put me completely to sleep, taking Fox out at 2 lbs & 3 oz at 29 weeks pregnant via emergency c-section, and then he ended up staying in NICU for 87 days, finally coming home April 23, 2020. They informed me that the only reason he had to come out because of me and my safety as they feared for my life. (Another side note, we found out in March that fox also has two kidneys infused together on one side, causing some issues as well).

After this, I was told that my chances of getting preeclampsia are high if I were to get pregnant again, and that could be life threatening to not only me, but the future baby’s life as well. But then the fear of me getting pregnant with yet another boy, and him having a very high chance of having hydrocephalus or other issues, it all just became clear to me. My body is not meant to have more kids again. On top of my Crohn’s Disease that hit me like a brick fucking wall after having Fox and being practically in remission my whole pregnancy, I knew I just couldn’t put myself through it again. But I also knew, there was no way I could handle life if something were to happen to a future baby of mine. If I had lost a child, I dont know if I could function. The thought alone causes me to tear up. After doctors advising me of my safety and my baby’s safety, and of constant discussions with my family, I knew the best choice would be to just be done with it. Because I know one day, when I want a child again, I will 100% adopt, as there are so many babies in this world who need homes and I have one to give.

Now, you’ve made it this far, don’t back out just yet! I’ve got some information for you.

Salpingectomy- what?!

So what the hell is that big word I just said? It’s a tubal removal, baby! If you only have a partial tubal removal, you have a slight chance of still getting pregnant, as 7.5 women out of 1,000 have still gotten pregnant. But if you have both tubes removed, you can get pregnant through IVF. Even though there is a rare case of a woman getting pregnant without any tubes, which is crazy. But anyways, Salpingectomy is the surgical removal of one (unilateral) or both (bilateral) fallopian tubes. Fallopian tubes allow eggs to travel from the ovaries to the uterus. A partial salpingectomy is when you have only part of a fallopian tube removed. http://healthline.com

I found out about this procedure, which is an alternative to getting your tubes tied, by my OB who prefers this method compared to getting your tubes tied. So instead of going in and burning the tubes (or whatever they do these days) he goes in, for me laparoscopically, and completely cuts your tubes out, and removing both of them entirely. There were three small incisions made in my abdomen. Two on the lower right and left side, and one on the upper left side. The purpose of this compared to just getting them tied, is to reduce your chances of ovarian cancer. The procedure in total took about an hour to an hour and a half, while I was out completely under, and it took me another hour to just wake up, and boy did I wake up. I absolutely hate surgery and anesthesia. I’ve had a total of seven in my lifetime, starting with getting tubes in my ears at 2 years old, and my past five ones being in the span of 2 years. So waking up, is never a fun experience. In recovery, I was given three doses of fentanyl, and some norco, which norco does NOT work on me, so they prescribed me percocet instead. I waited in recovery with my husband for about an hour or so until I finally felt ready to go home. So it’s just an outpatient procedure, which is awesome because I’ll pass on the overnight stay in the hospital. The recovery time is up to six weeks and I was told that it will be difficult to walk for the next three days. Being as I just had this surgery TODAY, I can tell ya, this shit is PAINFUL. I also have a really low pain tolerance, and the air from them inflating my stomach, that went up into my shoulders, hurts like HELL and the only way to get it out is to walk around which will cause you to burp. But um, hello, how the hell do I walk around when I’m in this much pain? Because seriously, It’s almost 3 am and I’m still up, in pain, trying to keep my mind off of it by writing this post.


So here’s some info on getting your tubes tied . When getting tubes tied (tubal ligation), there are a few ways this can be done. And only 1 in 200 women get pregnant after this procedure. Tubal ligation — also known as having your tubes tied or tubal sterilization — is a type of permanent birth control. During tubal ligation, the fallopian tubes are cut, tied or blocked to permanently prevent pregnancy Tubal ligation prevents an egg from traveling from the ovaries through the fallopian tubes and blocks sperm from traveling up the fallopian tubes to the egg. The procedure doesn’t affect your menstrual cycle. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/tubal-ligation/about/pac-20388360

The hardest part of all this, is truly knowing I will not have any more kids. And it’s harder knowing the reason I can’t is because of my body for the most part. But everything happens for a reason, and as I said before, there are so many children and babies in foster care and available for adoption, that they deserve a chance. They deserve a life or some sort of normalcy. So here’s to a future of adopting!

On another note, Crohn’s related, I have started my first dose of Humira! So stay tuned for some information on biologics, immunosupressants and how living in a global pandemic while being on meds that take out your entire immune system works!

How Fox Almost Died

And by almost died, I mean he DID die. For a solid few minutes.

Don’t mind my language, as I am beyond angry, and this isn’t an easy subject.

Let me start off with, I love his doctors, nurses and surgeons. They are the reason Fox is still here with us today. What we are furious about is that the anesthesiologist greatly fucked up.

Fox was supposed to have surgery. We walked him down to OR and sat in the waiting room. His surgery was going to be to place a temporary reservoir, along with perform an ETV.

Fox is 3 weeks old. Within that time frame, Fox’s head has grown from 27 centimeters, all the way to 31, as of today. A baby’s head should only be going up .5 centimeters PER WEEK. He is double that at this point, causing some concern.

  • ETV: An ETV is basically a small hole that is poked into his membrane where it will create a flow of the fluid built up in his brain. We are all naturally born with this, as it will drain the fluid into our body and we reabsorb it. Fox, as we know, was born without this, and so the fluid just keeps building up in his head, causing it to become enlarged.
  • Reservoir: A reservoir is like a little bubble that is placed on top of a baby’s head where they will every few days go in and tap it, or take a needle, and pull fluid out by hand. It’s similar to a chest port, but on the head instead.

Now, we were waiting for about an hour (and this surgery was going to take 2-3 hours) when I saw his surgeon approaching us. My heart dropped. When I say time stood still, it truly did. I thought the absolute worst had happened while Fox was under. And I wasn’t entirely wrong, but we hadn’t even gotten to that point yet. The surgeon explained that once the tube was down his throat, he began convulsing, and the oxygen wasn’t getting into him. He felt that it wasn’t justified to try and attempt the surgery again, because at this point, Fox’s vitals needed to get better and he needed a break. Which I 100% agree with.

They hadn’t even begun the procedure yet. One of Fox’s doctors received a pager which informed him that something was wrong, so he rushed in there to see a group of people huddled around Fox, as he wasn’t breathing. Four rounds of CPR were performed to resuscitate him, as he had been dead. Three people checked to see if the tube was misplaced and cleared it that it was not. He then checked to see if Fox had a collapsed lung, but Fox was okay. Finally, his doctor exclaimed that he wanted to check the tube once more. When he did, he noticed that the tube was in fact, not in the right area and not going down his airway, but put into his esophagus. So really, Fox would have been fine if the anesthesiologist had put the tube in properly.

I’d be a little more understanding if something happened during surgery, but this was a simple tube down his throat that so many people getting surgery get. And Fox isn’t the first baby to get a procedure done, so why was this happening? I’m so beyond thankful that he is now okay. But I need more answers. I am angry, furious actually. And really, for a while it didn’t hit me until I was sitting in the room with him and just thinking and then it finally registered. I bursted into tears and became very upset. And we have every right to be. My son could have died, because of someone’s negligence. I have so many emotions going through me right now, as this should not have happened. Now we are basically back to square one, and have to wait for surgery once more. Fox needed this pressure in his head gone, so he could have some relief. And now we have to wait. And we were also told that if we ask for his doctor to do it instead, they can, it just has to be at the patients request. And no way in hell am I letting an anesthesiologist going near that boy and the tubes again.

I plan to find a patient advocate. I want to have better knowledge and reassurance of everything, because this is not something to take lightly. We shouldn’t feel like we aren’t safe. We shouldn’t worry about the people who have our children’s lives in their hands, are going to fuck up. Especially with something so minor and simple like a tube going down his throat. I understand he is small, but as I’ve stated, other preemies have had surgeries as well. This is far from what I expected to go wrong, and I want answers. I am not the type to get angry. I’m actually a very understanding person, because I hate hurting other people’s feelings, and I get mistakes can happen. If this were to happen to me, then I probably would have been like “oh, it’s okay, accidents happen.” and moved on with my life. But this happened to my SON. And the thought of losing him caused my entire body to break down mentally, and physically.

Fox is stable now. It will take him the rest of the day to recover and just sleep it off. But three weeks old, and he’s already been through so much. My heart hurts. I just want him home and healthy and happy. And I know this is just the beginning, and I’ve accepted that and will embrace that this is what life will be like. But fuck, it’s hard. It’s hard watching him through a little plastic box, and only being allowed to hold him when I ask. It’s hard going home some nights, to a quiet house where my baby is not, and in the hands of strangers. I just want him to feel normal. I want him to experience normalcy. But he wont, for a very long time. This is our normal now. But dear god, if another tube goes down his throat wrong, I don’t know how I’ll feel. I will not let him have this happen again. He is my world. And he is a fighter.

Fox’s Journey

So if you haven’t seen any of my recent social media posts, we have a new baby here. And boy, was it a long, exhausting past week.

As most know, I was 29 weeks pregnant last week. I went in for my NST (Non-stress test) on Friday, January 24 and they noticed I was having contractions. As I lifted my feet up on the chair, my ankles were swollen like crazy. They looked like marshmallows. I have very small skinny ankles, so that was a new discovery that seemed to have happened just overnight. I also have been dealing with terrible migraines for the past month and had had one at that time too. And, I threw up that morning. The doctor looked at my vitals, and noticed my blood pressure was skyrocketing. 138/94 and then they retook it and it was 149/95. It seemed to only get worse. So he sent me up to the labor and delivery triage. Which is like the OB ER. So, I went up, only for the blood pressure to worsen, and they ended up giving me a blood pressure medicine. But my headache persisted. I also was spilling a ton of protein in my urine. They figured these were all signs and symptoms of preeclampsia with severe features.

Preeclampsia: Is when a pregnant woman has high blood pressure, protein in her urine, and swelling in her legs, feet, and hands. It can range from mild to severe. It usually happens late in pregnancy, though it can come earlier or just after delivery. Preeclampsia can lead to eclampsia, a serious condition that can have health risks for mom and baby and, in rare cases, cause death. Women with preeclampsia who have seizures have eclampsia. The only cure for preeclampsia is to give birth. Even after delivery, symptoms of preeclampsia can last 1 to 6 weeks or more. https://www.webmd.com/baby/preeclampsia-eclampsia#1

This is a really serious condition, and causes a lot of issues for not just baby, but mom. And with Fox having all his health issues, along with him not getting enough nutrients from me, this was concerning. They wound up admitting me, and informing me, I would be there until delivery, and that they most likely wouldn’t deliver me until I was 34 weeks. That would be a whole month in the hospital, just waiting and getting monitored. But, throughout the duration of the weekend, my symptoms only got even worse. They had even given me percocet to help with my contractions, and headache pain, and it did absolutely nothing. I was in so much pain, and by Sunday night, my blood pressure was sky high, once more. Now, this whole experience has been one major blur for me. I had so much testing done, and so many meds pumped into me, that I really can’t remember the majority of my duration there. I had been transferred to so many different rooms, from Special Care, to Labor and Delivery, to wherever else. I had scans done on my head to see if maybe it was a different reason I had these headaches, but all signs pointed to preeclampsia with severe features. All I remember is being woken up around 2 a.m, being told that things were getting worse with my vitals, and the best thing they could do, for my bodys sake, is to deliver me, via emergency c-section. I didn’t take this too well, as I cried, saying this was my fault that baby had to be taken out, because he could have gone a few more weeks in me if it weren’t for my failing body. But, they assured, this would be the best and safest thing to do. I wasn’t able to get the spinal epidural, and I cannot remember the reason why, but because of that, for my c-section I had to be put completely to sleep. Usually with c-sections, the mother is awake, with the father in the room and they just are completely numbed. Well, I had to be completely under, and due to that, waking up is a lot more painful because I wasn’t numbed.

I called Chris, who showed up immediately, and as they rolled me back to the OR room, I cried to one of the nurses, exclaiming how I did not want to die. The last thing I remember is laying in that cold white room, with the shakes, staring up at the nurse and the anesthesiologist, with an oxygen mask over me, and drifting to sleep. What felt like seconds later, I woke ion recovery to my grandma and husband coming in, but the pain was brutal. They had me on morphine, but as we have talked about before, morphine doesn’t work on me. Chris told me how I kept telling them that I needed dilaudid, and that morphine wouldn’t work, and I was crying in agony and pain. after about 30 minutes of me sobbing from the pain of my split open abdomen, they hooked me up to dilaudid and it calmed me down. I was then able to see baby in his incubator for a total of 15 seconds, and they rolled him away from me. I then had to go two days without getting to visit or see him, because of course, my preeclampsia persisted and I had to be hooked up to monitors 24/7. Once I was able to feel somewhat better, they let me go up to NICU where I was able to see my 29 week old, premature baby.

Fox Lyman Podbielniak. Born January 27, 2020 at 29 weeks pregnant. Weighing only 2 pounds and 4 ounces.

Now, the good news is, we found out he doesn’t have any chromosomal issues that were tested for! So that knocks off some concern and worry. He has the hydrocephalus, so his head is enlarged, and the belly issues like the double bubble, so currently he has a tube down his throat which pulls out all his poop and gunk. He has the small heart defects, which we knew, but it seems he has no new issues than what was already told to us, which is great news. He wont be able to get the shunt or belly surgery for a while yet, as he’s just so small and fragile. We aren’t able to hold him because the blood could rush to his head and cause brain bleeding, but we get to hold him up in his incubator thing when they take his weight, which is the best feeling in the world. He has a long way to go, and will be in NICU for quite some time, they said could be 6 weeks, could be 10 weeks, we just never know. So for now, we just go up there everyday, and spend the night on weekends with him. We get to touch him, which helps a lot. He sometimes forgets how to breath, especially when he has his binky in his mouth, but they said that it’s normal for 29 weeks for that to happen, so it’s no major concern. He also has his adducted thumbs which we are now able to see more clearly. The left one is completely inward toward his palm and he can’t move it very well, so as he gets older he will be seeing a physical therapist to work on it, and one already came up to see him which is good.

It’s been hard for me, because the only reason he had to come out now, rather than later, is because of my body. Because I was so sick and it progressed within hours and days. And it just was unhealthy for me. It hurts knowing he could still be in my belly right now. I miss his little kicks and movements. My heart hurts and I can’t help but blame myself for him having to deal with this struggle. I miss him so much and just love him so much. He has really shown me so much about life in just a matter of days. Postpartum is a difficult thing to experience, and I will make a post about that in itself, because it seems we tend to brush off mothers emotions after having a birth. It can be hard to be happy, especially in difficult circumstances like mine. I still can’t fully process the fact that I had him already. That I was only 7 months pregnant and that his due date was April 8, and I had him January 27. It’s just difficult seeing him alone in a little incubator thing in NICU. But I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I wouldn’t trade him for a different healthy baby. He is perfect in every way.

Surgery was terrible. And medical PTSD is really a thing. I experience it because of all my surgeries, and waking up from that C-section was absolutely horrifying. The following days were seriously brutal. It definitely was the most painful aftermath of a surgery, and I needed a wheelchair for a bit. I was constantly in pain. It hurt so much, honestly. I’m still experiencing some pain but I am finally able to walk better and at a faster pace. I never knew how painful c-sections really were, especially without the numbing epidural.

Fox really has a long journey. But I will be updating all of you along the way. He is so strong, and I just know everything will work out. I’m not worried about the preemie situation, but worried about his other major health issues we have yet to overcome, but those will be discussed within time. Right now, it’s about getting him grown and healthy and able to finally come home.

I’ve had 3 greatest days of my life. the first being November 15, 2017, when my first son Caspian was born. He came into this world, being exactly what I had needed at the time. Causing me to grow as a person and showing me that loving someone is possible. He has continued to amaze me and make me astonished for I created something so beautiful and even with our challenges with life, he never ceases to cause me to smile. Being two now, hearing him say “mommy” makes my heart absolutely melt, as it is the best title anyone could have. The second day, was marrying a man on December 27, 2019, who I never thought would be possible to find. A man who has not only accepted and embraced my flaws, but loved them entirely. I not only know that i am lucky to have him, but special. He puts me in front of him always, even when he shouldn’t. And even when all I want to do is fight, because I can get that way, he still just lets me get angry and calm down, and then tells me he loves me. I never deserved him, but I’m glad that I get to have him. And I’m taking advantage of that. He has accepted my son as his own, and loves him endlessly, buying him things randomly and taking care of him whenever I’m not feeling good enough to do so. He has created a bond with a child that is not his by blood, but definitely by soul. Ive never felt so much love for someone, as I never knew it was possible. Marrying this man was the best decision I have ever made, and while we have had our downs, our ups will always overlook them. Family is our main priority, and he is my best friend. Ive never held such a connection with someone before and if soulmates are real, then you definitely are mine. The third day would be the day that our little miracle, baby Fox, was born, January 27, 2020. He has shown me how to become the woman i am becoming. He has given me purpose, when I’ve felt so lost most of my life. This is the hardest most difficult experience of my life, but I know will be rewarding in the end. I am prepared for the downs and ups, as I know they will come. These challenges will be stressful to overcome, but with the support i have from friends and family, I know we can do it. This baby, has really taught me so much about myself, and even though i wont be able to take him home for another 6 to 10 weeks, or longer, i know he is in good hands and will be here every single day, just counting the minutes until you are with us. I miss you in my belly. I’m sad to see how small I’ve already gotten because that was an incredible bond we shared. I miss your long legs pushing off of me early in the morning and feeling your little tint hiccups. I miss the kicks you’d give when id sing loudly to you in the car and i miss watching you grow. Only 29 weeks, we made it. I should have you in me another 10 at least. Until April, but here we are. I can now see how perfect you are, as you look exactly like your daddy with his curly black hair and long limbs. I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are so special and have created this light in my world that I never saw before. We love you so much and i just feel even with all your health issues down the road, everything will be perfect. I have no regrets, and will work with you every step of the way. We love you Fox. We love you Caspian. And I love you, Chris.

A List of Worry

I’m actually disappointed at the fact that I need to make another post for the baby so soon. I’ve received some alarming, confusing and concerning news today, that has triggered all red flags in my head, and feel I must make this post before something happens and I can’t bring myself to. Now, please bare with me, as I have no idea what the hell I am talking about. This is all based of research and from what I can recall from my appointment today.

I have a list of everything happening with baby. We found yet another thing wrong and this last thing has us the most concerned. I am 29 weeks pregnant. Women usually give birth between 38-40 weeks. I’m almost there, but sadly, I probably will not make it. I had an ultrasound doppler, which is where they do an ultrasound but instead of really looking at baby, they focus on the umbilical cord to make sure fluid and nutrients are being passed to baby properly. We figured it’d be fine and well, as we have been most of this pregnancy, we were once again wrong. It seems that baby Fox has decided to stop growing at two pounds and now my blood that is going to him, is seeming to come back to me. This should not be happening. Blood should be coming from me and going to him and staying there. This is an urgent issue, as we don’t want anything to happen to him. If a baby stops growing in utero, that baby will most likely not make it and be stillborn if we were to wait until my due date of April 8, 2020. It is the end of January. I am almost seven months pregnant, but still not quite there yet. My blood pressure was also reading 140 over 80, which is high and as the nurse informed me, pretty high compared to my previous BP amounts.

Well, the high risk OB informed me that most women he has told this information to, on average, wound up needing an emergency C-Section within 2-3 weeks from that time he tells them of this. That means in 2 to 3 weeks, baby could be here. But, that means even if he will be able to get the actual care he needs, he will be premature, which is always scary. In 2 weeks, I will only be 31 weeks pregnant. That’s still 9 weeks away from delivery. I now have received information that every week, I need to go to the hospital two times a week and get this doppler done, along with a Non- Stress Test (NST), to monitor him. My doctor informed that even the slightest decrease of health, he will be admitting me right then and there, taking me upstairs, and preparing for C-section. He also said that if baby starts to move less, to immediately go to the hospital, as they’ll need to get him out asap. I had informed him that within the past few weeks, he has moved less. Well, this is why, amongst all other issues.

Now, the list we have been given is as follows:

  1. Severe Bilateral Ventriculomegaly
  2. 3rd Ventricle Dilation
  3. Left Persistent Superior Vena Cava
  4. Suspected Cardiac Defect
  5. Double Bubble
  6. Right Persistent Umbilical Vein
  7. Adducted Thumbs
  8. (We couldn’t read the doctors hand writing so we can’t confirm what exactly this is)
  9. Polyhydramnios
  10. Intermittent absent end-diastolic flow

Now, you’re probably looking at that list like “What the hell does any of this mean?” That was my exact thoughts. Especially when you receive so much information at once, it’s hard to remember what is what. So I am going to do my absolute best, with the help of google, to explain each of these to you.

1&2. Severe Bilateral Ventriculomegaly (SBV) and 3rd Ventricle Dilation (3VD): These are all about the brain/spine. Both are basically what Hydrocephalus is. SBV basically happens one of two ways. Either the brain tissue around the ventricles is less than it should be because of failed brain growth or due to brain injury OR Cerebrospinal fluid which is usually produced within the brains ventricles, abnormally accumulates in ventricles. Aka, too much fluid within the brain i.e. Hydrocephalus. The 3VD is hydrocephalus as well, and the third ventricle in his brain is dilated. When the measurement of the ventricle is greater than 15mm, it’s considered severe.

3&4. Left Persistent Superior Vena Cava and Suspected Cardiac Defect: This is that second vena cava in his heart in which I explained in the last blog post. Instead of having one, like normal, he has two, which wont effect him in any way. The suspected cardiac defect is just the five tiny holes in his heart which will not, as we know of now, require surgery and is not major at all.

5. Double Bubble: Another thing in which I explained prior to this post. This is the obstruction in his belly/intestines which will require surgery after birth and he will most likely have the temporary ileostomy bag. This is one of the more major problems he has.

6. Right Persistent Umbilical Vein: This is said to be uncommon (with only a dozen cases reported since 1826; woah??? I don’t know if I have read this correctly, but alright?). The left umbilical vein becomes occluded and the right persists and remains open. From what I have read, the right umbilical vein is supposed to be gone by seventh week of gestation, but it seems it has remained. Look, I don’t fully understand this one all too much, so look it up if you’d like.

7. Adducted Thumbs: This is what informed us that he was L1 Syndrome. His thumbs go inward toward his palm, rather than outward like normal.

8: We couldn’t read his hand writing for this, so until I know more, this is a ???

9. Polyhydramnios: This is basically just an excess amount of amniotic fluid in the amniotic sac. I have read that this is only seen in about 1% of pregnancies. We’ve known for a while there was a lot of fluid within my belly, but I never realized it had a whole name and condition and was so rare. Another reason I feel him move less is because there’s so much fluid, instead of hitting me, hes just hitting through the fluid. It is typically diagnosed when the amniotic fluid index is greater than 24 cm.

10. Intermittent Absent End-Diastolic Flow: So this is where it gets more serious as well. My blood is flowing to baby, but coming back to me. It should not be doing this. It should only be going one way and it’s coming back, meaning that basically, baby isn’t going to grow much more. If this gets worse, he will need to come out asap. Hence why I will be going to the hospital twice a week, along with all my other appointments.

Another note made, was that he is in the third percentile for AC, or in simpler terms, his belly isn’t growing anymore and is very small. One of the doctors said that 10th percentile is low, but 3rd, is really really low. So that’s really nerve wrecking.

So, if you can tell, I don’t exactly comprehend all of this to my full capacity. And it is a bit stressful. It’s terrifying to think I could be having this baby in just two weeks time. I mean, we JUST started buying necessities. But I thought we would have more time! I get so nervous that next appointment, I’m going to go in there and BAM, admitted. I hate getting admitted. Especially when you aren’t expecting it. It’s insane that I’m packing a hospital bag for the potential, because I didn’t think I would need to until at least mid/late March. The only upside to this is that he will be able to grow properly if taken out early. I just don’t know how I’m going to sleep at night with him at the hospital in NICU and me at home in bed. If I could, I’d take all this pain from him and double it on to myself. This baby has been given to me in a time where I feel it has given me a purpose, and the thought of the potential that he may not make it? You really never expect that to happen to you. You hear stories and think “No, that wouldn’t happen to me.” And yet here you are. Wondering every minute if your child will make it. Worrying if he doesn’t move in your belly after 30 minutes or longer. Just waiting, and not being able to do a damn thing. That’s the hardest part. There’s nothing I can do and nothing I could have done to prevent this. Only the fact that it’s happening and you have to accept it.

I asked my OB why they didn’t just admit me now, and in short, he said there would be no point as there would be nothing they can do, except put me on blood thinners for bed rest. He says I have a much better chance of just going about my day, and coming in and out of doctor appointments to check in on everything, to be of more comfort for me. I understand, but it’s terrifying not being monitored 24/7. I feel scared not knowing what is going on with him all the time. I’ve found people who have similar stories and their babies have grown into children, surviving the odds. I can only hope for the same. My OB said he does not think I will make it past 35 weeks, if I’m not admitted sooner. While we plan for normal delivery, there’s a really increased chance of C-Section, which I’m honestly more okay with just due to it being a safer alternative for baby. Let’s just add another scar to my abdomen while we’re at it! (Ileostomy scar it the first). My OB has already started me on the antidepressants I will need. With Caspian, I had postpartum depression really bad, and have struggled with depression and mental health issues since I was 12 years old. I was originally supposed to begin these anti-depressants until 36 weeks pregnant. But since circumstances have changed, I’ll be starting them as of now, to help prevent severe postpartum which could even lead to psychosis. So, it’s better to start now, to give it time to settle in with me. I also have been prescribed infant aspirin, because apparently that helps the blood get moving and could help my blood transfer to baby.

I’m cherishing as many of the little moments as I can now. He likes to move his butt up against my rib cage and stick it out, allowing me to rub it. My mom said I used to love my butt rubbed in the womb. He always does this now. He also likes to hide when getting ultrasound pictures done now. He kicks me if I lay directly on my back usually, almost as if to let me know he’s there. And sometimes if I push on my stomach, he pushes back. I just hope that he can be a fighter, and push through all of this. It’s insane to me and almost surreal that all of this is happening, but all we can do is hope for the best outcome. But, as I always say, everything happens for a reason. I just need to learn to accept it all, and move forward and stay positive.

I will be updating if we find out anything more, as it seems every week there is something new. But, if there happens to not be, I’m hoping my next post about him isn’t until I’m in the hospital or baby is here. I appreciate everyone’s kind words and my best way possible is by updating you all through my blog here or Instagram. Stay tuned.


(Like X-Men, but better)

As many of you know, I found out that the son I am pregnant with (28 weeks now), has hydrocephalus, along with an abdominal issue and heart defect. Recently, I found out a few more little answers to our questions.

For starters, we found out that baby has X-Linked Hydrocephalus. Which basically, the disease is passed down through the mother only but only males get this (well, 99% of children who get this are male). It is a rarer disease, as it only occurs in only about 1 in 30,000 babies. It’s passed from the mother to the baby. It is basically impossible for this gene to be passed from the father, but is only shown in males born. And it’s just genetics. So from what I understand, I somehow inherited this from my father, making me a carrier, and it was inevitable to happen. I was asked about my two year old son if he had any learning issues. The only thing he has, is he doesn’t know a lot of words. He still uses a lot of baby talk. Most two year olds should know 50 words, he only knows about 10, but he’s good at showing us what he wants. It’s his speech that only close family would understand. I mean the kid can almost say dinosaur. But it could be a learning disorder, passed down from me. Or he just chooses to not talk to us. Baby Fox, seemed to get all the bad aspects of this disease. This type of hydrocephalus is called L1 Syndrome.

So according to a hydro site, I read this quote: “During reproduction, an individual acquires two sex chromosomes, one from each parent. Females have two X chromosomes (XX) while males have an X from their mother and a Y from their father (XY). Females with one affected X chromosomes are called ‘carriers’ and have less than a 5% chance of showing clinical symptoms. This is because females have a second, intact copy of the L1CAM gene which is inherited from their father. A female carrier has a 50% chance of transmitting the affected gene to each child. Read more from this site about L1: https://www.hydroassoc.org/finding-our-way-with-l1cam/

L1 Syndrome: As I read online more in depth into what exactly L1 is, I see the words “mental retardation“; “adducted thumbs“; “shuffling gait” and “aphasia“. All of which are not the best things to find out your child could potentially have. We all know what mental retardation is, so I wont go into that. I explain adducted thumbs below. Shuffling gait is when one walks with dragging their feet and sort of slouched over. When researching this syndrome, I noticed almost all the children I saw, were in a wheelchair of some sort. Aphasia happens to be, as wiki puts it, “loss of ability to understand or express speech, caused by brain damage.” He also has a possibility of X-linked spastic paraplegia and ACC. SPG1 is when the legs stiffen. We really wont know which of these he will have, or the severity of it all, until he is born. I also learned from my high risk doctor, that there’s a high chance he will experience seizures throughout his life. It’s a lot to process, and we don’t have very definite answers. But knowing he has L1 at all, has been beneficial to our knowledge.

We noticed in his ultrasound photos, his thumb on his left hand (he was hiding his right hand) naturally goes introverted- or toward his palm instead of outward like ours do. Also referred to as an adducted thumb. He will still be able to move it around, it just naturally will rest inward toward his palm. This is the indication that he has X-Linked Hydrocephalus. L1 Syndrome.

We also met with a fetal cardiologist, who did about an hour long ultrasound and noticed that the heart defects he has are nothing too major. Which is a huge relief. He has five tiny holes in his heart, but she informed that these will not require any sort of surgery and could possibly even get smaller. He will, however, have a murmur. Which is no big deal, compared to worse situations. He also seemed to have a second vena cava. So in the diagram, the big tube in our heart, we only have one, well he happens to have two, one on his left side and one on the right. Which is also no big deal, because she informed that this will have no effect on him at all. It’s just an odd thing to have! I have an appointment to check his heart every four weeks until he is born.

He will 100% have a permanent shunt placed in his brain after birth, that we already know. Which as I’ve stated in my previous post, a shunt is a metal rod going from brain to abdomen which will slowly drain the fluid out from his head. Because yes, chances are, this baby’s head will be pretty big after he’s born from all the fluid he has built up in it. But eventually it will shrink over time from the shunt, and he will look fine. Nothing wrong with a big head, hydro babies are adorable. But before that, he will be having abdominal surgery to fix the double bubble which will highly result in, you guessed it, a temporary ileostomy bag. Like mother like son, I guess. Now the two of us can have matching belly scars.
I’ll be meeting with NICU, a neurosurgeon for his brain, and a pediatric surgeon for his tummy. I have already met with the fetal cardiologist, as I stated up above. Lots more appointments to come, and a lot of questions to be asked, but I never know what questions to ask. It’s always like an overload of different things being thrown at me, and I never fully understand any of it. I also have a genetics counselor and a lady who schedules my appointments and helps discuss things with me and answers any questions that I have. Along with my regular OB. All of these people I will see every four weeks until delivery (Besides NICU). It’s really amazing having such a good team of doctors who I trust and have faith in. I know it’s hard to establish care and trust in with doctors at times, but I am very confident with this team of people. I will be updating more along the way, but chances are my next post wont be until he is born (or if we find out something more). But being 28 weeks pregnant, I don’t have too long until he is here.

Stay tuned.